reactions n beliefs

Here is a story I have heard and I think it is worth sharing.

Last thursday, A had a minor argument with someone which left him feeling upset and angry. It sort of spoilt his entire day.
He was wondering why should he be so affected by the other person's opinions and language?
Naturally, I could not help him but just listen to him.

I din know the answer to his question until I started my weekend lessons.

The other person pressed A's hot button on his values and beliefs. Because a person's values and beliefs is so close to their heart, something that they hold it tight within themselves.
A becomes offended by the other person because it is something he holds it dearly in his heart. Honesty and integrity and impartiality. By saying he is not acting according to his values and beliefs, he is naturally upset and angry. He finds the accusation untrue and degrading.
Worse still, the other person went straight to A's boss to lodge a complaint. A felt even more angry. An wrongful accusation is not enough, now the other person wants to ruin the impression that A's boss has of A? Wah, another hot button.
A always tries to maintain his image and impression in front of everyone. Treat everyone with respect and care to the best of his abilities. Here is someone who brush away all his efforts and throw it right back at him, leaviing him hurt and offended.

What lessons can be drawn out from here?
1. Have trust in yourself. IF you do it right along with logical thinking and careful consideration, no matter what the other person say, you will be calm and controlled. Outsiders do have eyes to view for themselves and judge for themselves.

2. Respect everyone's values and beliefs. If the other person thought of A that way, all A have to do is to "PAUSE". Do self-reflection on themselves by viewing it from 3rd party's perspective using perceptual position. Dissociate yourself from your position and view the entire fight like a movie. Think if you have done wrong. Then step into the shoes of the accuser and see if there is anything wrong with A's behaviour. If you have done nothing wrong, then remain calm and peaceful. It is not A's issue. It is the other person's issue.

Having a peace of mind, respect others is important. There is no FAILURE only FEEDBACK.

        

Definition of success

Success is a very vague term.

According to Dictionary.com, the definition of Success is defined as follows:

"–noun



1. the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors.


2. the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like.

3. a successful performance or achievement: The play was an instant success.


4. a person or thing that is successful: She was a great success on the talk show.


5. Obsolete . outcome. "
 
Is this the way to define Success?
According to the NLP terms, success is a nominal word.
It is too chunked up and confusing. 
It is also a subjective definition that varies with individuals.
On the general, it can be divided into 2 types, temporal and lasting.

Temporal success means things like money, status, appointment, etc.
It is fleeting and will go away as time passed by. For instance, a few years ago, you can be successful financially as u have millions of dollars and so on. But once the economic crisis sets in or any wrong move in investment, your money has shrunk over time.
You can be a CEO in 1 second, peak of a person's career but over time due to illness, company not performing well, etc, you can not hold the appointment of CEO anymore.
There seems to be like a pareto optimality theory behind it in the sense that only 1 person can succeed and be at that position at 1 time.

On the other hand, lasting success means things that only you know.
It is like some kind of personal achievement that spawned a new change in you or others. For instance like personal goals of doing voluntary work, helping others in need, create a change in outlook, etc. This is more evident in those who have suffered a personal crisis like cancer remission patients or bankrupt people.
Of course, one need not go through the extreme extent to reach this personal achievement. By heightening awareness and observe the surrounding, one can go through all these changes. You can embrace the qualities that you wish to uphold and move towards your dream or goal.By changing yourself, you not only shape your future but you also influence others as everyone is connected.

On a social level, Singapore seems to have 1 measure of success in general. Every few years on the newspapers, there is an article on the 5Cs or even 6Cs.Condos, cars, cash, casinos....
It seems so superficial and temporal according to the theory.

To me, success is not so specific.
 It emcompass BOTH.
For someone who step into the society not too long ago, both physical and mental success are important. Not that we are so $$ focused, but we live in a world connected to others. We cannot help but influence by them as well. IF that is the standard that they are measuring themselves up there, it is what they are going to reach out. By that, one cannot help but to reach a certain level up in the $$ as well. Otherwise we would not be able to survive. Likewise, when we achieve mental success, there wil be a part of it that constitutes to a physical success as well.
I just hope with careful considerations and planning, I will achieve both in the future.
Not just by saying but also physical doing it as well.


Every beginning has an end and every end has a new beginning.

So what is your definition of success? Have you thought about it?

Self-limitation

Everyone loves a mystery or a game. At some point in time, people cannot resist but to play games. They not only play games with others, on others but also onto themselves.
What kind of games can they possibly play with themselves?
They play inner self-games but discrediting themselves.In other words, SELF-Sabotage.

Are these kind of inner games really neccessary?
Do we really need them in our lives?
Is this what we really really wants?

We will mention self-sabotage when we talk about a certain outcome setting.
It is like a self-fulfilling prophecy because what we focus our energy on, that thing with the energy as the nutrients will expand and grow.
For instance, when we say I dont want to cheat myself.
You will probably end up cheating yourself as the brain as certain deletion function that erase out the word "Don't" and focuse on the act of cheating


It is actually our superimposed fear and wild imagination that trigger this self-sabotage.
So in order to get yourself back on the right track, you probably need to ask yourself the following questions:

a) Where are you right now with respect to your goal set?

b) What is it that you are enjoying RIGHT NOW that is keeping you from your goal?

c) What is it that you have to give up with respect to your goals?

d) What will happen if you do not have what you enjoy now?



The idea of change will only come when there is no longer this self-sabotaging occuring.
Have the Resources to aid the changing and shifting does not means there is a willingness to achieve the goal.

The question to ask is now "How do you catch your "self-limitation" which is self-imposed?

Area of discomfort

Attending this Master Practitioner for NLP, makes me more aware of myself and my feelings.
IT actually makes me redefine a lot of things. Out of which is "DISCOMFORT".
To be frank, for things that matters to me, I love to control it.
 It is a comfort zone which I feel I can do my learning, feeling safe and secure in a controlled environment.
However, since coming to this course, I was being reframed.

To quote someone, "Great learning comes when you experience great discomfort".
When you are feeling uncomfortable, you should congratulate yourself because your level of knowledge is going to increase. At first I was like, are you sure coz I cant even get used to the feeling of discomfort. I often build a fence around me so that I can learn peacefully on my own. Turn out by experiencing discomfort, I am forced by myself to be mroe aware of certain things. Things I have not noticed before. It opens up a whole new path or facet of myself which I have not known of. Absolutely amazing. I searched around the net and found this very interesting article to share with you.

Lessons in Discomfort
“In many instances, the likelihood of an individual succeeding (no matter what the goal) will be dependant on how uncomfortable that person is prepared to get and for how long.” C.A.H.

The Application of the Information
This morning I coached someone who asked me to expand on the ‘growth comes through discomfort’ theory. It’s something I’m always teaching and it’s a concept my client was having trouble getting her head around – from a practical application point of view. As the concept is relevant to most of us, I thought I would expand on it a little today.
What’s Growth?

In the context of this discussion, growth could mean a range of things: learning, improvement, adaptation, skill development, greater insight, better understanding, less fear, more confidence, greater productivity, less anxiety, more patience, fewer destructive habits and even something as practical and measurable as greater physical strength and improved health.

For an athlete, growth might mean more points per game, a higher vertical leap or a faster time. For a shop-aholic it might mean eliminating debt and changing spending habits. For the person with a social phobia, it might mean looking someone in the eye and initiating a conversation. And, for the chronic people-pleaser it could mean saying ‘no’ to somebody, taking a stand and not backing down. In simple terms, growth means creating positive change in some area of our (personal) world.

What’s Discomfort?
Discomfort, on the other hand, could be anything that (in a general sense) we’d rather avoid. It could present itself in the form of a work problem, a financial situation, a conversation we’re always deferring, a fitness challenge, a health issue, a habit we need to break, a fear we need to confront, a relationship we need to end, a dynamic we need to change or even (as many people have experienced) an unexpected illness. It could arrive in the form of an emotional, physical, psychological, sociological, financial or professional challenge. Or, a combination thereof.
Individually Uncomfortable
The interesting thing about the discomfort/growth paradigm is that it’s completely personal in terms of how and when it works and what it means to us. By that, I mean one person’s discomfort (and, therefore, opportunity to grow) will be another person’s minor event. There is no universally relevant discomfort scale because we all think, feel, experience and react differently. A scale like P.R.E. (a widely-used scale which gauges an individual’s Perceived Rate of Exertion while completing a physical task) tells us that comfort or discomfort, hard or easy is all about the individual. Which tells us that learning, adaptation, change and improvement are also about the individual.
Standing on a stage and talking is simply part of my job. For me, that task is about as stressful as driving a cab might be for a cabbie. That is, not very. For someone else, it might be an exercise in anxiety or maybe even terror. And, at the same time, a major opportunity for growth. Knowing that things only have the meaning we give them, we can safely assume that there is no single experience, process or situation that will produce consistent or equal results in terms of positive or negative change across the board.

Naturally, not all discomfort serves a positive purpose (standing in front of a moving bus for example) and, of course, we need to be wise and discerning about how, when and why we ‘get uncomfortable’. Having said that, it’s important that we find the awareness, courage and understanding that allow us to see problems, hurdles, barriers and catastrophes for what they really are: opportunities to grow and learn.

Is it time for you to address that thing you’ve been avoiding?
Don’t get mad at me – you keep putting it off. I’m just reminding you.

(Taken from http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/lessons-in-discomfort.html)
 


However, I always know deep in my heart, I always find the idea or feeling od discomfort, familiar yet alien coz I have not touch base with it for a long period. Why?
I haven been forcing myself to step out of comfort zone and try something new and unknown.

Now, I wonder, how to keep that feeling / familiarity with discomfort sustainable?

TOYF - Benefits Plan

Someone reflected that I should do more on the earlier post on my application of TOYF's "Benefits Plan".

I am sorry that I missed out that part, only showing the applications but not the formula.

See that's what NLP terms it as the applying critical success factors for good work done in an unconscious level.

Now this person reminded me that I must show the conceptual thinking behind it which I would have forgotten.

Let me go through a little bit of history.

TOYF's main line of argument is based on logical reasoning with facts.

BENEFITS PLAN is the last plan out of a total of 6 plans listed on TOYF.

It is represented by a ring of arrows protruding outwards.

The line of reasoning is used to persuade and convince audience by illustrating the potential benefits from the audience's perspective.
Benefits are different from the features of the products. They are the points which the audience values a lot and finds out that by using the features of the product for instance, it make them more efficient and smart.
The structure of the argument is the commonly used sandwich method in which you package your persuasive points in the following order:
2nd most impressive point --> disadvantage --> Most impressive point.

Of course logic can be a double-edged sword.
People can rebutt your line of reasoning by using the REVERSE BENEFIT plan in which using the same structure outline the disadvantages to the audience.
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Hope everyone gain a bit of knowledge on the use of such plan.
Again, this is my personal understanding and opinion of the concept.
Copyright infringement is definitely a NONO for me.

TOYF - Part one

TOYF?

What does it mean?

THINK ON YOUR FEET

Well, it is a course that I recently attended. I was wondering to myself for the past 3 years what kinda course have I been taking that I missed out such an important one.

It is important to me, a person whose reaction is always slower than others by 3 seconds, metaphorically speaking. Well, it is more than 3 seconds.

Ahhh...I digress. It is not good to lose focus.

Back to the course.

I realise I can use this to deal with my bosses especially strong-opinionated ones.

It took me awhile to fully remember the concepts and internalise it.

Anyway, this morning, my boss was hell-bent on a certain idea that I find it ...hmmm....inappropriate..hmm...a better word might be......less beneficial.

So in my head, i was thinking....geez...how to convince him...must get something to stuff his mouth......let's see..what kinda person he is....hmmm....of course i am grateful that there are other colleagues distracting him while I think.....Geez...I really cant think of anything except to keep staring at his face...

AH-HA! An idea struck me. Remembering i was reading a book on how to market ideas by judging person from the facial features..I decide to give it a try before deciding on what plans from the TOYF to use.

Hmm......straight untidy thick brows.. signifies a very direct person, act without thinking...self-opinionated...Then I ask myself the next question. What is the issue that matters to him the most...

From there I get it that I must use the ZOOM OUT LENS plans to show him the big picture which he might have missed out....

TOYF is a good tool to use when you are short of time and need a structure to flesh out persuasive argument in a short time.

It is a good tool I feel for kids too who may find that writing compo is a chore as they do not know how to link up the details / pictures shown. STRUCTURE is the key for good compo. It is beneficial for kids to learn this right from the start.

TOYF I find is very much similar to NEURO LINGUISTIC PROGRAMMING, NLP. For instance, ZOOM LENS plan used in my example here is retermed as Chunking or Reframing in NLP terms..

However, there are some training companies who specialised in both NLP and TOYF explains that TOYF is more for one-to-many communications eg. trainers to class while NLP is more for ONE-to-ONE Communications.

I beg to defer.I find that NLP is a holistic package from assessment to actions while TOYF is just solutions.

This brings out the caveat of the course.

One thing about the TOYF is you must know how to assess the situation and the target to persuade within a short period of time before you can decide what plan to use. Having all the plans is not enough. They are tools to use.

Just my opinions on this useful course which I feel everyone, especially newbies must try. I dunno why I take so long to get into the course. I have had feedbacks that it is very stressful but after going through, I would say it is well worth the brain activities.

I will try to share some more uses of TOYF here.

Cya.