Seriously, I do not know what is the meaning of life back then. I was desperately trying to anchor and set a direction for myself so that I can filter out what I want and what I dont want in my life. I do not want to be found floating around aimlessly because that unsettles me. When I was in my JC days, I was so involved in the activities of my CCA that whenever help is required, I will go thinking that all contributes to the same big goals and ideals. The goals and ideals were rather vague at that time but nonetheless I was so deep into the environment and the bonding that I think if someone else is steering the ship towards a direction, it must be for good and all I have to do is to follow. But at the end of the day, it is really about what I want to do in my life. It is all about ME and no one else. The group of people or CCA can have a goal of their own and I should only join them when my personal goals are aligned with their. Then that is a win-win situation.
I am in fact rather worried that I might be lulled into this false sense of goal seeking i.e. seek the goals on behalf of others that I forgo my own only to realise that I have missed my own ship when we parted ways.
I keep asking myself what are my strengths and weaknesses so that I can utilise my strengths to get to the peak performance where I want to be. I want to be at the top of the rest of people where my talents are fully recognise. But by identifying my strengths, I took about 4 years and that has not completely solved the mysterious and complex puzzle of me as a human being.
I was rather disappointed in fact. I really did not know myself well enough or rather I ditch the whole discovery about myself in the past and just try to reinvent the wheel again.
That's where I fell into depression because nothing works for me and I am drowning the the ocean of nothingness.
I would withdraw from the crowd, away from my friends and family. I would allocate time for them and wayang to show that I am alright which in fact I am not.
I would go on streets, shopping aimlessly.
At the end of the day, I would still ask what I want in life.
The answer would still be nothing.
I thought if I just like there dead, maybe I would not have to think so hard, struggle so hard to make it right for myself.
I actually went thru the ways of dying.
Cut wrist - too painful
Gas myself - geez ugly
Jump mrt / building - worse
drink poison - even more uglier
Then I stopped myself. Actually, finding a perfect way to die is much harder than finding my own goal. The struggle did not be so painful as long as I can account my actions to myself. I can convince myself this is the way to go and just jump on the ship without blinking.
Then at my lowest point in time, someone asked me, what is the route that most appealed to you now?
Is there any rationale why you would favour this route over the rest?
Are there more push factors than the pull factors?
The route that most appealed to me was to go back to school to study. To relive the wonders of studying and to regain the happy moments of my life. The rationale is that I wanted it for my personal developement and a sense of achievement and at the same time I want to use it as a footstep to advance in my career. Of course there are more push factors than pull factors as I have completely lose sense of the objective or rationale as to why I am still staying at the current environment I am in. I do not know why I am here but I know I dread coming to work as I often take taxis more than I take the bus.
But seriously, what am I supposed to do in the future? I do not know yet. I just want to move on and explore the comfort zone which I have always been in - teaching at tertiary level where I would not be so bogged down by admin matters.
How coincidentally, Stephanie Sun share this as well.
No comments:
Post a Comment