Oprah and mother

When I started to watch Oprah's show, I was like, Huh? Who is she and why is she so big?
Then as I watch, I started to say to myself, well, this is one helluva show. If only we have more on TV, but alas, there is only one Oprah.
There is a particular episode that I would like to point out.
This is one episode that solve one of my many puzzles that I have no answers to.
Well, this episode shows the relationship between mothers and daughters. You have no idea that how much tensions and hurt there can be in this kind of seemingly close relationship.
Then I realise why everything seems to go wrong in my life whenever I had a fallout with my mother. That include why we do not speak to each other, why we do not care for each other and so on for a period of time. Worse still, she seems totally inaffected by our strained relationship as if all the bad luck just befall on me. As if it was my fault and I had to bend my back to her.
Strangely, everything will be fine after I did that.
The big WHY has been at the back of my mind for years.
Now I know and it struck me just like that.
Not dramatics or theatrics but it happens so.
It is the pressure that I perceived that mum put on me during our fallout.
She wants me to go this way but I just do not think so.
To her, that is rebellious. She cannot tolerate such kinda things.
Another thing is, she has unrealistic expectation of me. Things that I can never be or should never be.
She would criticised me like why arent you pretty? Why arent you running? Why arent you doing this or that?
Then she would say there is nothing good about you from head to toe, from inside to outside.
To her, I was just an bad egg.
A black sheep in the family.
Wat to do?
I just continue to torture myself. Feeling depressively that I dun care anything so nothing will hurt.
You can ask me wat is the part I most wanted to change?
I would say nothing. Not because I feel everything is wonderful but so wat if I care?
Things are still gonna be the same isnt it?
Still the same ugly self.
right down to core.
So as long as can see who I am can liao.
So who cares about others?
What for?
I dun get appreciated.
That's the scary part about mother's influence.
Their love is great but their criticism always hurt you the most.
You are not wat they think you are.
Their perception of you as their children matters the most to anyone, regardless of gender.
Amazing isnt it?
yeah....that's why everything goes wrong for me for I received nothing but criticism.
If you are talking about low confidence, low self-esteem, that's me though I know I try to toughen up. But inwardly that's me a scaredy kid.
wat to do?
Grow up, defend myself??
I doubt my defensive barrier will work.