Friendships

I guess I believe in too much Enid Blyton. Though he is not a fairy tale writer specifically and never ends off his work in the magical 3 words "happily ever after", he still is an optimist.
Remember Elisabeth in "The naughtiest girl in school"?
She had Joan as her best friend who supported her all the way till she graduated from high school.
The way he describe a friendship and how it should be has be a sort of model to me. How I should shape my friendship.
In the end, after all those years, I came to realise that it is a utopia.
As one often knows, utopia is a vision or a dream that could never succeed.
I still get hurt after all those years.
Years of careful screening and gradual trust given to my close friends.
In the end, I still get hurt. Why?
Yeah..May be I am very self-centred that I always think of myself.
You may counter me and say others get hurt as well.
I was thinking if you can take care of yourself, you cant take care of others.
Anyway, I was trying to minimise my hurt becoz it takes far more greater time to heal my wounds.
The first time I got wounded, I told myself. Yeah it hurts a lot. But I should go on and try not to repeat the same mistake that drove my friend away.
The second time I got wounded, I told myself. Yeah, it hurt even more. Coz I obviously haven learnt my mistake so friends leave me again. What have I done wrong again?
I tried to tell myself again. Try to ignore this one. We may not be suited to be friends even though I trusted her and try to help her in my way. May be my way is a bit radical I dun regret it as I feel I would make the same decision if the same thing happens again.
Nothing worth more than living on.
The third one had me falling apart. Had we not have enuff communication and understanding among all my friends. Dun they know me well? I tot they can tolerate me. I guess that's not a good assumption.
I guess never was in the 1st place.
Too naive.
I tot that was just being me. I can compromise and understand each other.
I tried to learn.
Why do they still get away?
I know I cant be crowd pleasers or force people to like me. At least I din not do anything to make most people hate me.
I did not cultivate friendship after evaluating the potential in such bonding.
I tried to help one another.
In the end, I tried to get some help.
May be I was inadept in making a request.
Turn out I has the worst luck and no interpersonal skills or friendship that I tot i had shared with them.
What to do?
In the end, it all comes back to one.
Yeah you can help others but you cannot expect them to help you at all times.
You have yourself to rely on in crucial times.
Only you.
No amount of friendship can help you there.
No amount.
I was so stupid in giving them grae period persuading myself that they are indeed busy and make not heed my sms that fast.
Just self delusion.
I was so lost that I try to contact my most rational friend, Val for emotional support.


P: ask u hor..

V: yep

P: better to have a lot of friends or have few good friends?

V: a few good friends
V: better if u have alot of good friends
V: lol
V: why?

P: haha..
P: nothing
P: wat if out of these few good friends, some of them distance themselves away
P: wat will u do?
P: how will u feel about it?

V: watever u're feeling now is normal
V: i shall ignore them.. if they cant be bother to care, why shld i care
V: that's me..
V: others might make the effort.. like yz..

P: the problem is
P: u guys know me well enuff to tolerate me
P: but others leh?
P: dun think they had that capability

V: then why bother with them
V: there are a few catergories of people around u

P: like?

V: collegues are collegues
V: u dont have to be friends with them
V: u just have to tolerate them
V: and them tolerate u
V: these people u have to put on a false face with them
V: same applies to hi bye friends
V: i have learn that never assume people will give the same amount of effort or energy in a relationship
V: if u dont see the effort from them, ignore
V: no pt waste time n energy on assholes


Guess I am sick of this. I placed so much trust in those few good friends and only few reciprocate. If I had said things that I shouldn't have said, tell me straightaway. I will correct myself if neccessary. There is no need to play on our friendship. I tot friendship can withstand all these including tolerating each other temperament. There is no need to break a friendship becuase of some nasty arguments or wat. I gues some do not share the same view as I do.
But if that's the end liao, fine.
I dun really wish to care.
If that's what you want, I will respect your wish.
If I'm indebted to you, I will repay back whenever I can.
At least, that's the way we can become total strangers isnt it?