Waiting

Waiting Paige

Waiting is a torture
The future is unknown
But you feel as it a heavy weight is on your chest
You try to heave it out but it stays

Your stomach feels as it another big rock settled there
You cannot feel hunger or pain
You just feel the weight hanging there
Bending your back to lug it with you

You start to theorize anything and everything
Trying to rationalise it to predict your future
Eyelid batting Which one stands for good luck
Cut yourself Oh no, you see red
Fall down Oh my god what luck are you having
Bad dreams Are they going to coming true
Everything that you have done
Even though you know deep down that it will not help you
Everything is predestined

Then you start to do things you don't do in the past
Things that you consider stupid
But you end up in the cycle of doing it
In hope that it will help you to alleviate your fear
Fear for the unknown

Fear is terrible for your health you know it
But you cannot help it
You fear this You fear that
All because you have trip over the step before
And you hate yourself for making the same mistake
You fear to feel the same agony again
The next step is hard to cross

You pray hard
You try to inflict pain on yourself to keep the rock away
But that does not help
You start to panick Walking around in circles over and over again
Picturing the worst
The worst that your imagination allows you to travel
Nothing survives in the picture

Your panic escalate to fear and to stress and finally depression
You feel as it you are collapsing
You are useless afterall
You can't do anything well
You are just a failure and a loser
How come others can do it and not you
What are you thinking

I don't know how to explain this
But it just happen
Just happen and I'll break in cold sweat
Denying everything
Hoping it doesn't exist and go away quickly
But can it be done
I really don't know
I am about to breakdown
Honestly and seriously
I am not kidding
I am sick
Very Sick
How to cure this
I don't know
Don't think anyone can help
I am freaking out
End of the bottomles pit
God regardless of your race or origins, Help me