Thousand-Watt Bulb
HERE’S AN ODD SUGGESTION: When you’re working, try to burn calories. Be useful, helpful, and as productive as you can. Even if your job is sitting at a keyboard all day, try to do it energetically and with enthusiasm. It may seem stupid, but give it a try before you decide. Blast out your effort like a thousand-watt bulb and here’s what you’ll get in return:
You’ll be more energetic, not less. You’d think it would wear you out, but that’s not the case, as you can find out for yourself by trying it. You may have a pleasant sense of relaxation at the end of the day, as you would from some good exercise, but it won’t make you tired. Holding back makes you tired. Going through the motions makes you tired. Just trying to get through the day makes you tired.
You’ll advance faster. Of course, when opportunities come around, the person putting their all into the work (you, for instance) is going to be chosen over the people who are getting by doing as little as possible. Obviously.
Your job will be more secure. Giving your all will make you feel more secure in a sometimes insecure world. And you’ll not only feel more secure, your feeling will be an accurate perception of the reality.
You’ll feel better about yourself. It feels good to do well. And you can look your boss in the eye and know s/he’s getting a good deal. You can see that there are very few people you work with (or none at all) who give their all. The comparison between you and the rest of the pack will make it very clear in your mind you can stand tall and proud when your supervisor is around.
You’ll improve your abilities faster. Whatever skills your job requires will be honed more quickly when you’re giving it your all.
THE HUMAN BRAIN and body has a default setting: Conserve energy. You know this from personal experience. It’s probably hardwired genetically and kicks in with the onset of adulthood. You and I have a natural tendency to try to be conservative with our energy output. That’s there naturally, but you’re not stuck with it. You can override that default setting with a simple decision: Put out as much effort as you can.
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Put the decision into action and before long, you’ll forget. You’ll be back to your default setting. When you notice you’ve gone back to the conserve energy mode, decide again to try to burn calories. Remake your decision again and again. Blasting out the energy won’t wear you out or make you tired. But it will make you feel proud, secure, and confident.
When you’re working, try to burn calories.
Anxiety at Work
Which Traits Predict Job Performance?
Psychologists explore how personality affects ability to perform well on the job.
Mom always said that
personality and smarts go farther than good looks. And now even psychologists are on her side.
For years psychologists turned to cognitive ability as a predictor of job performance: Smarter people were considered more likely to succeed on the job. But intelligence alone is only part of the story, say researchers. Creativity, leadership, integrity, attendance and cooperation also play major roles in a person's job suitability and productivity. Personality, rather than intelligence, predicts these qualities, said psychologist Joyce Hogan, PhD, of the University of Tulsa.
Armed with this belief, psychologists are trying to tease out personality's impact on overall job performance. Although they haven't unraveled the details, most agree that personality is as important as intelligence, and maybe more so, for some aspects of performance.
Most psychologists base personality research on the "Big Five" classification of personality traits: extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, emotional stability and openness to experience. The classification isn't perfect, but it provides a good foundation for studying broad effects of personality, researchers say. Some researchers contend that, like intelligence researchers who claim to have a general measure of intelligence, they have found the universal personality trait that predicts job success. Others argue that the relationship between personality and job success is much more complicated and shouldn't be condensed into a have and havenot scenario.
The 'g' of personality
One research camp argues that conscientiousness -- being responsible, dependable, organized and persistent -- is generic to success. "It seems to predict job performance for any job you can think of," said Michael Mount, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Iowa. Mount and his colleagues analyzed more than 117 studies of personality and job performance. Conscientiousness consistently predicted performance for all jobs from managerial and sales positions to skilled and semiskilled work. Conscientiousness is the only personality trait fundamental to all jobs and jobrelated criteria, said Mount. Other traits are valid predictors for only some criteria or occupations. The researchers are testing their hypothesis on practical personnel problems. For example, to determine which truck drivers would stay on the job longest, researchers tested them on the Big Five. Drivers who were more conscientious performed better and remained on the job longer than less conscientious drivers.
Matching people to jobs
But using conscientiousness as a standard of job performance won't work for all jobs, said Hogan. "Conscientiousness has a bright side and a dark side," she said. Her research shows that for some jobs -- particularly creative ones -- conscientiousness may be a liability, rather than an asset. In a sample of musicians from the Tulsa, Okla., music community, Hogan found that the best musicians, as rated by their peers, had the lowest scores on conscientiousness. She wants researchers to think about matching people to jobs by crossing the Big Five personality dimensions with the occupations taxonomy developed by Johns Hopkins University psychologist John Holland, PhD, in the early 1970s. Holland separated occupations into six themes including realistic jobs -- mechanics, fire fighters, construction workers; conventional jobs -- bank tellers and statisticians; and artistic jobs -- musicians, artists and writers. While conscientiousness predicts performance in realistic and conventional jobs, it impedes success in investigative, artistic and social jobs that require innovation, creativity and spontaneity, said Hogan. "There are jobs where you have to have creativity and innovation," said Hogan. "If you select employees based on conscientiousness, you won't come close to getting creative or imaginative workers." Rather, such workers should measure high on openness to experiences and low on conscientiousness, she said. Mount agrees that artistic people require creativity and innovation, but he's not convinced they can be successful if devoid of conscientiousness. His studies have even found a moderate correlation between conscientiousness and creativity, he said. The key may lie in timing, according to data collected over 50 years by graduates of Mills College. For them, ambition, which is related to extraversion, predicted whether a woman entered the work force and how well she did. Highly conscientious women tended to not enter the work force and didn't do as well when they did, said Brent Roberts, PhD, of the University of Tulsa. But these women had to swim against the current to enter the workforce when they did, said Roberts. Furthermore, successful, ambitious women, low on conscientiousness, became more conscientious the longer they worked. This implies that ambition gets the job and working promotes conscientiousness, which helps keep the job, said Roberts.
Add social skills
Interpersonal skills have recently caught Hogan's attention as predictors of job performance.
"They are the icing on the personality cake," she said. "Interpersonal skills can energize or inhibit natural personality tendencies." For example, a naturally introverted person with good interpersonal skills can muster enough extraversion to make a public speech, she said. Likewise, a naturally hostile and aggressive person can appear sweet and charming, she added.
As the workplace moves toward teamwork and serviceoriented jobs, evaluating interpersonal skills becomes increasingly important, said Hogan. But it's difficult to study these skills because no classification system exists. She is working on a model classification system that would include sensitivity to others, trust and confidence, responsibility, accountability, leadership and consistency.
The traditional onedimensional definition of job performance as equal to task performance overshadows the importance of personality and interpersonal skills and accentuates the importance of intelligence, according to psychologist Stephan Motowidlo, PhD, of the University of Florida at Gainesville. He prefers to separate job performance into two parts: task performance and contextual performance. Task performance is the traditional notion of ability: how well workers perform and complete a specific task -- a fire extinguished, a student taught, a story written, for example.
advertisementContextual performance measures aspects of performance unrelated to specific tasks -- volunteering, putting in extra effort, cooperating, following rules and procedures, and endorsing the goals of the organization -- that are equally important to job performance. His research shows that task performance and contextual performance contribute independently to overall job performance. Furthermore, job experience predicted task performance better than it predicted contextual performance. In contrast, personality predicted contextual performance better than it predicted task performance.
Contextual performance can be further separated into two facets: job dedication -- working hard, volunteering, committing to the organization -- and interpersonal facilitation -- cooperating, helping others. Personality affects the two facets differently. Conscientiousness predicts job dedication, while extraversion and agreeableness predict interpersonal facilitation. Interestingly, job dedication appears to affect both task performance and interpersonal facilitation. But the model also indicates the importance of extraversion, agreeableness and interpersonal skills.
Today's emphasis on teams, service jobs and treating colleagues as customers promotes the importance of looking at the softer side of job performance, said Motowidlo. And although people disagree on exactly how personality fits in, they're all heading in the same direction.
Anxiety at Work
The Road to Burnout
If in the beginning your job seems perfect, the solution to all your problems, you have high hopes and expectations, and would rather work than do anything else, be wary. You're a candidate for the most insidious and tragic kind of
job stress--
burnout, a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion caused by unrealistically high aspirations and illusory and impossible goals.
Potential for burnout increases dramatically depending on who you are, where you work, and what your job is. If you're a hard worker who gives 110 percent, an idealistic, self-motivated achiever who thinks anything is possible if you just work hard enough, you're a possible candidate. The same is true if you're a rigid perfectionist with unrealistically high standards and expectations. In a job with little recognition and few rewards for work well done, particularly with frequent people contact or deadlines, you advance from a possible to a probable candidate.
The road to burnout is paved with good intentions. There's certainly nothing wrong with being an idealistic, hardworking perfectionist or self-motivating achiever, and there's nothing wrong with having high aspirations and expectations. Indeed, these are admirable traits in our culture. Unreality is the villain. Unrealistic job aspirations and expectations are doomed to frustration and failure. The burnout candidate's personality keeps him striving with single-minded intensity until he crashes.
Burnout proceeds by stages that blend and merge into one another so smoothly and imperceptibly that the victim seldom realizes what happened even after it's over.
These stages include:
1. The Honeymoon
During the honeymoon phase, your job is wonderful. You have boundless energy and enthusiasm and all things seem possible. You love the job and the job loves you. You believe it will satisfy all your needs and desires and solve all your problems. You're delighted with your job, your co-workers and the organization.
2. The Awakening
The honeymoon wanes and the awakening stage starts with the realization that your initial expectations were unrealistic. The job isn't working out the way you thought it would. It doesn't satisfy all your needs; your co-workers and the organization are less than perfect; and rewards and recognition are scarce.
As disillusionment and disappointment grow, you become confused. Something is wrong, but you can't quite put your finger on it. Typically, you work even harder to make your dreams come true. But working harder doesn't change anything and you become increasingly tired, bored, and frustrated. You question your competence and ability and start losing your self-confidence.
3. Brownout
As brownout begins, your early enthusiasm and energy give way to chronic fatigue and irritability. Your eating and sleeping patterns change and you indulge in escapist behaviors such as sex, drinking, drugs, partying, or shopping binges. You become indecisive, and your productivity drops. Your work deteriorates. Co-workers and superiors may comment on it.
Unless interrupted, brownout slides into its later stages. You become increasingly frustrated and angry and project the blame for your difficulties onto others. You are cynical, detached, and openly critical of the organization, superiors, and co-workers. You are beset with depression, anxiety, and physical illness. Drugs or alcohol are often a problem.
4. Full Scale Burnout
Unless you wake up and interrupt the process or someone intervenes, brownout drifts remorselessly into full-scale burnout. Despair is the dominant feature of this final stage. This may take several months, but in most cases it involves three to four years. You experience an overwhelming sense of failure and a devastating loss of self-esteem and self-confidence. You become depressed and feel lonely and empty.
Life seems pointless and there is a paralyzing, "what's the use" pessimism about the future. You talk about, "just quitting and getting away." Your are exhausted physically and mentally. Physical and mental breakdowns are likely. Suicide, stroke, or heart attack are not unusual as you complete the final stage of what all started with such high hopes, energy, optimism, and enthusiasm.
5. The Phoenix Phenomenon
You can arise Phoenix-like from the ashes of burnout, but it takes time. First of all, you need to rest and relax. Don't take work home. If you're like most, the work won't get done and you'll only feel guilty for being "lazy."
advertisementIn coming back from burnout, be realistic in your job expectations, aspirations, and goals. Whomever you're talking to about your feelings can help you, but be careful. Your readjusted aspirations and goals must be yours and not somebody else's. Trying to be and do what someone else wants you to be or do is a surefire recipe for continued frustration and burnout.
A final tip--create balance in your life. Invest more of yourself in family and other personal relationships, social activities, and hobbies. Spread yourself out so that your job doesn't have such an overpowering influence on your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Adapted from The Stress Solution by Lyle H. Miller, Ph.D., and Alma Dell Smith, Ph.D.
Narcissism in the Workplace
David: Good Evening. I hope your day went well. Welcome to HealthyPlace.com and our chat conference on "
Narcissism in the Workplace." I'm David Roberts, the moderator of tonight's chat. Some of the topics we'll be discussing include: How to cope with a narcissistic boss, co-worker, supplier, colleague, partner, competitor, manager, or employee. And when is it time to toss in the towel and leave that troublesome job?
Our guest is Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of
Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited and an authority on the subject of narcissism. You can
read more about Dr. Vaknin by clicking on the link.
Just to clarify, Dr. Vaknin is not a therapist or medical doctor of any sort. However, he is an expert on the subject of narcissism and a self-proclaimed narcissist. Good Evening Dr. Vaknin and welcome to HealthyPlace.com. Just so we are all clear on the subject, can you give us a brief overview of what narcissism is?
Dr. Vaknin: Great to be here again. Thank you for having me and for the kind words. Hello, everyone.
Narcissists are driven by the need to uphold and maintain a false self. They use the False Self to garner narcissistic supply which is any kind of attention adulation, admiration, or even notoriety and infamy.
David: How does one recognize a narcissist?
Dr. Vaknin: It is close to impossible and that is the secret of their astounding success. Narcissists are good actors. They are adept at charming others, persuading them, manipulating them, or otherwise influencing them to do their bidding. The narcissist's sense of self-worth is unstable (labile) so, the narcissist relies on input from other people to regulate his self-esteem and self-confidence. He focuses on potential sources of supply and engulfs them with focused attention and simulated deep emotions. Only in later encounter, as time passes and the number of interactions grows, is it possible to tell that someone is a narcissist. Narcissists are preoccuopied with grandiose fantasies unrealistic plans. They are poor judges of reality. They are bullies and often resort to verbal and emotional abuse. They exploit people and then discard them. They have no empathy and regard their co-workers as mere instruments objects, tools, and sources of adulation, affirmation, or potential benefits.
David: So, in the beginning, you are saying they will get on your good side by charming you and pretending to be interested in you and what you're doing. Later, what kind of behaviors should a person expect from the: (1) narcissistic boss and (2) colleague? And I'm assuming here that the behaviors for the two might be different.
Dr. Vaknin: Workplace narcissists seethe with anger and resentment. The gap between reality and their grandiose flights of fancy (the "grandiosity gap") is so great that they develop persecutory delusions, resentment and rage. They are also extremely and pathologically envious, seeking to destroy what they perceive to be the sources of their constant frustration: a popular co-worker, a successful boss, a qualified or skilled employee. Narcissists at work crave constant attention and will go to great lengths to secure it - including by "engineering" situations that place them at the center. They are immature, constantly nagging and complaining, finding fault with everyone and everything, Cassandras who constantly predict impending doom. They are intrusive and invasive. They firmly believe in teir own omnipotence and omniscience. They feel entitled to special treatment and are convinced that they are above Man-made laws, including the rules of their place of employment. They are very disruptive, poor team members, can rarely collaborate with others without being cantankerous and quarrelsome. They are control freaks and feel the compulsive and irresistible urge to interfere in everyting to micromanage and overrule others. All in all, a highly unpleasant experience.
David: If you work with or under a narcissist, it sounds like your work life might be a living hell.
Dr. Vaknin: You would never forget it. It is traumatic and very likely to end in actual bullying and stalking behaviors. Many workers end up with PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Others quit, or even relocate.
David: What kind of individual, personality-wise, is best suited to work with a narcissist co-worker or boss?
Dr. Vaknin: Certain pathological personalities - for instance, someone with a
Dependent Personality Disorder - or an
Inverted Narcissist may get along just fine. A submissive person whose expectations are limited, moods are subdued and willingness to absorb abuse is extended would survive with a narcissist, or even thrive in such an environment. But the vast majority of workers are likely to suffer ill-health effects, clash with the narcissist, or end up being sacked, reassigned, relocated, or demoted. The narcissistic bully very often gets his way: He gets promoted, the ideas he "adopted" become corporate policy, his misdeeds are overlooked, his misbehavior tolerated. This is partly because, as I said earlier, narcissists are excellent liars with considerable thespian skills - and partly because no one wants to mess around with a thug, even if his thuggery is limited to words and gestures.
David: We have a lot of audience questions, Dr. Vaknin. Let's get to a few and then I have a few more questions to ask you. Here's the first one:
AMichael: How common is narcissism within the population?
Dr. Vaknin: According to orthodoxy, between 0.7%-1% of the adult population suffer from the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This figure is an underestimate. Pathological narcissism is under-reported because, by definition, few narcissists admit that anything is wrong with them and that they may be the source of the constant problem in their life and the lives of their nearest or dearest. Narcissists resort to therapy only in the wake of a harrowing life crisis. They have alloplastic defenses - they tend to blame the world, their boss, society, God, their spouse for their misfortune and failures. Last, but not least, psychotherapists regard narcissists as "difficult" patients with a "severe" personality disorder - or, put plainly, lots of work with little reward.
Narcissists, Paranoiacs and Psychotherapists Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) At a Glance.
Doria57: Is there any way to get along with these type of people at work?
Dr. Vaknin: Here are a few useful guidelines:
Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him.
Never offer him any intimacy. You are not his equal and an offer of intimacy insultingly implies that you are.
Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on).
Never remind him of life outside his bubble and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity.Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgement, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence.
Bad sentences start with: "I think you overlooked & made a mistake here & you don't know & do you know & you were not here yesterday so & you cannot & you should, etc. These are perceived as rude imposition. Narcissists react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom.
Linda3003: My husband is employed by a very large university, inspite of "outstanding" appraisals, many stolen ideas, marked increase in customer satisfaction and being very professional, he was resently fired. His boss did not like the acolaides my husband was receiving, etc. How does one combat the defamation?
Dr. Vaknin: Depends on your resources and your ability to accept recurrent interim defeats. Narcissistic bosses are very tenacious and resourceful. They are pillars of the community, usually widely respected and believed. They have at their disposal the entire wherewithal of the organization. People say "where there's fire, there's smoke". "If he was fired, there must have been a good reason for it", "Why couldn't he simply get along? He must be egocentric, a bad team player." And so on. It is un uphill battle. My advice to you is to team up with an anti-bullying group or to have an attorney look into wrongful dismissal charges.
Here is an excellent place to start your search:
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/npd.htm,
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/freedom03: I would like to know if the narcissist is aware of what they are doing?
Dr. Vaknin: Aware, cunning, premeditated, and, sometimes, even enjoying every bit of it. But it is not malice that drives them. They believe in their own destiny, superiority, entitlement, exemption from laws promulgated by mere mortals. The narcissist regards himself as one would an expensive present, a gift to his company, to his family, to his neighbours, to his colleagues, to his country. Resistance calls for strenuous measures. Disagreement with the narcissist is bound to be the outcome of ignorance or obstructionism. Criticism is malevolent and ill-founded. The narcissist trusts that he has the full moral justification to battle his foes. To his mind, the world is a hostile place, full of Lilliputians who seek to shackle his genius, foresight, and natural advantages. They aim to harness and castrate - and they deserve his ire and the ensuing punishment he metes out to them in his infinite wisdom. It is a crusade against the injustice of not recognizing the narcissist's true place in this world - at the pinnacle.
David: Dr. Vaknin, earlier you mention that the narcissist would act empathetic to draw in his prey, so to speak. In light of that, here's the next question:
martha j: Can this person genuinely develop authentic empathy skills?
Dr. Vaknin: No, he cannot. Narcissists lack the basic machinery of putting themselves in other people's shoes. They react with fury and denial when confronted with the fact that persons in their environments are individual entities with their own idiosyncratic and specific needs, preferences, choices, fears, hopes, and expectations. This, the refusal to grant autonomy, is at the core of abuse, whether on the domestic front or at the workplace. To the narcissist, others are mere extensions, instruments of gratification, sources of narcissistic supply. And nothing more than that.
delaware1974: With so many people afflicted with this - why are we making it sound like a death sentence? All of us still need to move on with our lives ...are we supposed to give up and accept because it's hard? We spend alot of time talking about the negative or "escaping" the narcissist, "surviving" the narcissist, what about those of us that want to help them and NOT give up on them? Are there LIVE face-to-face help groups? Hope?
Dr. Vaknin: It is possible to live with the narcissist, as I made clear earlier. It requires certain behavioral modifications and a willingness to accept the narcissist largely as he is. These may be of interest:
The Inverted Narcissist - FAQ#66 Treatment Modailties and Psychotherapies - FAQ #77The Reconditioned Narcissist - FAQ#63Narcissists, Paranoiacs and Psychotherapists - FAQs#26-27Narcissist EmployerAnd, yes, there are groups (though only online) who tackle healing and co-existance - they are
listed here.
I am not aware of a live group though I heard recently that something is being organized in New York. Bullying - and especially workplace bullying - is tackled by many online and live groups.
This website, managed by a former bullying victim, Tim Field, is the best I know of. It contains links to hundreds of resources.
David: For many people, Dr. Vaknin, if you are in a situation working with a narcissist or under a narcissist, they can't just pick up and leave their job. What is the best way for them to cope without "kissing" up to this person and being always vigilant about what you say and how you say it? or is that the only way to survive?
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Dr. Vaknin: It depends whether the narcissistic bully represents the corporate culture of the workplace - or is an isolated case attributable to a quirky nature or a personality disorder. Alas, very often, abusive behaviors in one's office or shop floor are merely the epitome of all-pervasive wrongdoing which permeates the entire hierarchy, from top management to the bottom rung of employment. Bullies rarely dare to express their tendencies in isolation and in defiance of the prevailing ethos. Or, if they do run against the grain of their place of employment, they lose their jobs. Typically, narcissists join already narcissistic firms and mesh well with a toxic workplace, a poisonous atmosphere, and an abusive management. If one is not willing to succumb to the mores and (lack of) ethics of the workplace, there is little one can do. Surprisingly few countries (Sweden, the United Kingdom, to some extent) outlaw workplace abuse specifically. Whistleblowers and "troublemakers" are frowned upon and are not protected by any institutions. It is a dismal landscape. The victim would do well to simply resign and move on, sad as this may be. As awareness of the phenomenon increases and laws take effect, hopefully this will change and bullied and abused workers will find effective ways to cope with mistreatment.
TimeToFly: What typically happens to a narcissist when they lose their position of authority or their job. How do they react to that? My narcissist ex-husband recently lost his job. He will not say what happened exactly, typical. But since then he has been on a rampage to destroy me. It was right after the loss of his previous job that he left me and our children 4 years ago. He had been the manager of engineering and was first demoted, and then finally left the company. I never did get the story. He has just remarried, but his new life somehow has not distracted him from his obsession with destroying mine.
Dr. Vaknin: Being demoted or losing one's job is a narcissistic injury (or wound). The entire edifice of the
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an elaborate and multi-layered reaction to past narcissistic injuries. A gap opens between the way the narcissistic imagines himself to be (grandiosity) and reality (unemployed, humiliated, discarded, unneeded). The narcissist strives to bridge the grandiosity gap but sometimes it is simply to abysmal to deny or ignore. So, some narcissists go through decompensation - their defense mechanisms crumble. They may even experience brief psychotic episodes. They become dysfunctional. The narcissists redouble their efforts to obtain narcissistic supply by any means - sex, exercise, attention-seeking behaviors. Yet others withdraw altogether to "lick their wounds" (schizoid posture). What is common to all these narcissists is the ominous feeling that they are losing control (and maybe even losing it). In a desparate effort to re-exert control, the narcissist becomes abusive. Sometimes abuse is about controlling the victim. Others seek "easy targets" - lonely women to "conquer" or simple tasks to accomplish, or no-brainers, or to compete against weak opponents with a guaranteed result.
For more on these behaviors:
What is Abuse?The Delusional Way OutDeficient Narcissistic Supply - FAQ#28David: If you are interested in purchasing Dr. Vaknin's excellent and very thorough
book on narcissism, Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited, click on the link.
jenmosaic: What causes NPD?
Dr. Vaknin: No one knows. The accepted wisdom is that NPD is tan adaptative reaction to early childhood or early adolescence trauma and abuse. There are many forms of abuse. The more familiar ones - verbal, emotional, psychological, physical, sexual - of course yield psychopathologies. But are far more subtle and more insidious forms of mistreatment. Doting, smothering, ignoring personal boundaries, treating someone as an extension or a wish-fulfillment machine, spoiling, emotional blackmail, an ambience of paranoia or intimidation ("gaslighting") - have as long lasting effects as the "classic" varieties of abuse. Still, there is always the possibility of a
hereditary component More about the
roots of narcissism hereDavid: Here are a couple of audience comments about what's been said tonight:
Doria57: No one ever wants to form an anti-bullying group, they are afraid.
martha j: The descriptions of the narcissistic boss --Isn't this the unfortunate all American definition of the "successful boss?
Dr. Vaknin: I'd like to respond to that last comment. Mental health disorders - and especially personality disorders - are not divorced from the twin contexts of culture and society. Western society and culture are narcissistic. Disparate scholars and thinkers - Christopher Lasch on the one hand and Theodore Millon on the other hand - have concluded as much. Narcissistic behaviors - now labeled "misconduct" - have long been nornmative. The basically narcissistic traits of individualism competitiveness, unbridled ambition - are the founding stones of certain versions of capitalism. Thus, certain forms of abuse and bullying actually constitute an integral part of the folklore of corporate America. Narcissistic bosses were idolized. As long as this is the case, workplace abuse would be hard to overcome. More here:
Managing Personal Risk Management
by
Rick BrennerWhen we bias organizational decisions to manage our personal risks, we're sometimes acting ethically — and sometimes not. What can we do to limit personal risk management?
ost of us believe that we make organizational decisions on the basis of organizational priorities alone. But it just ain't so — sometimes we take into account personal consequences, using organizational influence to limit negative consequences for our own careers, status and compensation.
Often this behavior is quite ethical. It's encouraged — even embedded into compensation structures. Our stock option plans and profit-sharing plans exploit the pressure of personal consequences by aligning personal and organizational interests. At least, that's the theory.
Lt. Col. John Paul Vann (second from right) briefs his colleagues in Vietnam. Col. Vann was an advocate of a strategy similar to what we now attribute to U.S. Gen. Petraeus in Iraq — enhanced dependence on small units, dispersed amongst the population, coupled with increasing reliance on forces drawn from that population. Col. Vann, who spent most of his years in Vietnam as a civilian, was known for his forthright assessments of the reality of the U.S. position, which he offered with relatively little regard for "personal risk management." As described by Neil Sheehan in his Pulitzer Prize winning history,
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A Bright Shining Lie: John Paul Vann and America in Vietnam, Col. Vann was asked at a 1967 meeting with Walt Rostow whether the United States would be over the worst of the war in six months. "Oh, hell no, Mr. Rostow," he said. "I'm a born optimist. I think we can hold out longer than that." Col. Vann was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1972. Photo courtesy
U.S. Library of Congress.But sometimes decision makers use their influence to achieve effects that confirm their own personal self worth in less benign ways — sometimes for personal economic gain, as in the case of stock options and profit sharing, and sometimes for other reasons. Those other motives include personal risk management.
Personal risk management is the practice of using organizational influence to protect one's career, personal status or personal compensation. This behavior can occur even when organizational consequences are clearly negative. Here are three typical illustrations.
Aggressive project schedules and budgets
Project sponsors who advocate very tight project schedules and budgets might be doing so for personal advantage, when gaining commitments to those goals might reflect well on them. The failure to meet those goals might reflect badly also, but if the sponsor intends to be long-gone by then, that risk is mitigated.
To limit this behavior, limit project goals and shorten project schedules. Short schedules enhance the likelihood that aggressive sponsors will suffer the consequences of aggressive goals.
Padded estimates Unrealistic project schedulesand pathologically tightbudgets are sometimeslittle more than careeradvancement tactics
Project managers sometimes "pad" cost or schedule estimates to protect against the personal performance penalties associated with budget or schedule overruns. Much padding behavior is anticipatory — it provides protection from sponsors who are overly aggressive about budget and schedule, and against externally imposed requirements volatility. But some padding is just "insurance."
To limit this behavior, monitor budget and schedule underruns. Investigate patterns to determine whether padding is being used for insurance.
Unrealistic promises to customers and investors
Account executives or enterprise executives who promise customers or investors aggressive performance might please the promise recipients, but the organizational cost can be unbearable. This behavior is most common at the ends of quota or fiscal periods, or near commission thresholds, or during time-limited "incentive" periods. It's all a consequence of using extrinsic rewards to enhance personal performance.
To limit this risk, avoid extrinsic rewards, or failing that, include in the calculation of personal incentives a negative effect for promises to customers or investors that are unsupported by prior organizational commitments, whether or not they're achievable or achieved.
Although most personal risk management strategies conflict with organizational goals, asking people to just stop doing it is usually futile, because they're caught in a system that demands it. To bring an end to personal risk management, we must change the systems that cause it.
My Boss Gabs Too Much
by
Rick BrennerYour boss has popped into your office for another morning gab session. Normally, it's irritating, but today you have a tight deadline, so you're royally ticked. What can you do?
ost complaints about bosses' communication styles are about those who communicate too little. There are a few, though, who just want to gab. They don't have anything to say, they just gab. It's a serious problem for your boss, but you don't have to let it become a problem for you.
A cup of coffee. In many cultures, coffee serves as much more than a beverage. If not coffee, another beverage often serves analogous social functions. One of those functions is sharing. When everyone in a small group is drinking the same beverage, it serves as a kind of social binding, creating connection. That's one reason why inviting someone to accompany you to the coffee station is so effective — it's an invitation that's hard to decline.Here are some insights and tips to limit the impact of this problem on your own performance.
Direct or indirect requests probably won't work
Since your boss is out of bounds, direct requests that the gabbing stop will likely be experienced as criticism or attack. A defensive response or even retribution are probable outcomes. Hinting is dangerous for the same reason, but since hints are less clear, the message is also less likely to arrive.
Your boss hasn't asked for your help
Refrain from providing "feedback" or "advice" unless you're asked. Not only is it risky when your boss is involved, but it rarely works unless the person in question asks for it.
The problem might be only temporary
If, in your workplace, actual job performance and performance evaluation are correlated, your boss is probably in trouble. Habitually spending so much time so unproductively can't help. If you can wait long enough, the problem will go away, because you'll have a new boss.
Notice patterns Offering feedback rarely works,because your boss hasn'tasked you for help
Is there a time of day when you're more likely to be targeted? If so, be sure to be somewhere else if you can. If you can't see a pattern, keep a log — you'll know for sure after a few weeks.
Exploit meeting scheduling software
Look up your boss's schedule, and plan to be somewhere else when he or she is free. Schedule meetings for those times, or work in a conference room if you can.
Exploit flextime and telecommuting
Consider time-shifting your hours. If your boss is a morning person, arrive later. If you can telecommute on some days, do. If asked why you suddenly changed your schedule, say something about "so many interruptions." Keep it impersonal.
Sign a mutual assistance treaty
If others are also affected by your boss's chat habit, make a pact with someone else: if you see your boss chatting with your pal, put in a phone call to break up the conversation. Have your pal do the same for you.
If all else fails, pick up your coffee cup and say, "I need some more coffee." Stand, take a step, turn back, and say, "Join me?" Most people will leave your office with you — few will accompany you to the coffee station. If he or she does tag along, continue the conversation, lingering in a public place — don't return to your office. That will usually force a quick end, and you can get back to work.
Which reminds me — time for coffee. Join me?
Managing Pressure:Milestones and Deliveries
by
Rick BrennerPressed repeatedly for "status" reports, you might guess that they don't want status — they want progress. Things can get so nutty that responding to the status requests gets in the way of doing the job. How does this happen and what can you do about it? Here's Part III of a set of tactics and strategies for dealing with pressure.
ressure often comes from the disparity between expectations and reality. We can limit this disparity by limiting the perceived ups and downs that come with most projects. Here are some tactics for managing pressure by smoothing out the ups and downs. See "
Managing Pressure: Communications and Expectations," Point Lookout for December 13, 2006, and "
Managing Pressure: The Unexpected," Point Lookout for December 20, 2006, for more.
In 1763, while Deputy Postmaster General, Benjamin Franklin measured distances from Boston along the Boston Post Road. Workers following him erected milestones at each mile point. Pictured is is an earlier milestone in Cambridge, Massachusetts.Photo courtesy
Wikipedia.org.
Space milestones evenly
It's common practice to divide project timelines into uneven segments distinguished by milestones, with some milestones identified as "major." This practice can undermine perceptions of progress, because people prefer steady forward progress to an uneven stream of equal-sized steps forward. This is true even if the achievements vary greatly in significance.
Spacing milestones unevenly creates progress perception problems. To manage perceptions, let go of the distinction between kinds of milestones. Have more milestones, and space them fairly evenly. Spacing milestones unevenlycreates progress perceptionproblems. Have moremilestones, and spacethem fairly evenly.
Milestones near deliveries are critical
Gaps between milestones just prior to a delivery are especially costly, because they engender anxiety about a lack of real evidence that the project is healthy. Anxiety increases if preparations are underway for receiving the delivery.
Idle time creates fear. Choose milestones that provide news during parts of the schedule when people might be susceptible to fear.
Deliver usable capability at regular intervals
Even when a schedule has evenly spaced milestones, customers, sponsors and management can become anxious when the project delivers usable capability at irregular intervals. Milestones that don't "matter" to the customer have little positive impact on perceptions of progress.
The psychological reason for this may be related to airline passengers' aversion to itineraries that have legs in them that go the "wrong way" even when those itineraries are faster. Milestones that don't "matter" represent cost and schedule without real progress. Schedule regular milestones that have customer impact.
Help the customer with the post-delivery environment
Incorporating the deliverables into ongoing operations can affect the customer's perception of the quality of the deliverables. And anxiety about the coming chaos is often reflected in perceptions of progress. Even deliverables that are 100% compliant with requirements will take the blame for internal difficulties in incorporating them organizationally.
Do whatever you can to make incorporation easy. Automate any required conversions and prepare for transition training and help. These efforts are most effective if they're in the plan from the beginning, but add them later if necessary.
As a sponsor or a senior manager, you're uniquely positioned to smooth out the experience of these ups and downs. Establish review processes that ensure that these pressure-management strategies are used throughout the organization. Project plans should have evenly spaced, frequent milestones that deliver real value early and often. And establish after-action reviews for projects that recently passed through crises to enable project team learning.
A little pressure does help, but most of us are under way more pressure than is helpful. And we can do something about that.
Managing Pressure:Communications and Expectations
by
Rick BrennerPressed repeatedly for "status" reports, you might guess that they don't want status — they want progress. Things can get so nutty that responding to the status requests gets in the way of doing the job. How does this happen and what can you do about it? Here's Part I of a little catalog of tactics and strategies for dealing with pressure.
ust as Les was about to answer Anna, his desk phone rang. He glanced at the caller ID, looked up at Anna, and said, "It's him again. Should I answer?" He knew what she would say.
"Yeah," she said. "He probably knows we're here."
Les picked up the handset. "Yeah," he said. Nobody used Hello for internal calls anymore.
The 1991 eruption of Mount Pinatubo. Photo courtesy
NASA.Anna couldn't hear much, but she didn't need to. The caller was their boss, and he was probably asking for yet another briefing before the review the next afternoon. The conversation went on for a while, until Les looked up at Anna.
"Three PM OK with you?"
Anna nodded. Les said "OK" into the phone and put the handset back in its cradle. Hello was already gone, and Good-Bye was well on its way.
He turned to Anna. "That's lucky," he said sarcastically. "We're just so bored here sitting around doing nothing."
They both laughed, but it wasn't funny.
When projects falter,demands for statusand explanationsescalateWhen projects falter, demands for status and explanations escalate. Sometimes satisfying these requests interferes with the work, but at least we can understand why people worry. What's more puzzling is how this happens to projects that aren't in trouble.
Perceptions of an absence of progress usually drive such concerns. Here's Part I of a catalog of strategies for managing pressure by enhancing perceptions of progress. See "
Managing Pressure: The Unexpected," Point Lookout for December 20, 2006, and "
Managing Pressure: Milestones and Deliveries," Point Lookout for December 27, 2006, for more.
Choose names carefully
If a particular task encountered serious trouble in a previous project, re-using its name in a current project invites people to use their past experiences in assessing current risks.
Ironically, we often do better the second time around. Choose names that are relatively free of negative baggage.
When in trouble, don't talk — deliver
When there's little new to demonstrate, project leaders sometimes resort to words to convey a sense of progress. But during extended intervals between demonstrations of new capability, words interfere with perceptions of progress.
Because demonstrating new capability frequently does help, reschedule to provide something useful as soon as possible.
Short schedules help perceptions
Long schedules undermine perceptions of progress. This phenomenon appears to be psychological in origin, and it applies wherever customers have to wait for what they really want.
Schedule projects to complete as fast as possible. If necessary, decompose a large project into a sequence (or a partially parallel set) of smaller projects. The effectiveness of this approach might be one reason why agile methods are so popular, because they call for frequent deliveries of useful functionality.
Managing perceptions isn't just politics. Since pressure is usually counter-productive, these strategies can truly benefit your projects. I'll say more
next time, but I'll pause here because I want to send this part to you as soon as possible.
Using Indirectness at Work
by
Rick BrennerAlthough many of us value directness, indirectness does have its place. At times, conveying information indirectly can be a safe way — sometimes the only safe way — to preserve or restore wellbeing and comity within the organization.
f we were always direct in all our communications, the world would be a boring place — when it wasn't busy being dangerous and explosive. Many cultures (including my own) value directness, but indirectness has its uses, and we'd all benefit if everyone understood better when to use it.
Lion, ready to spring, in Samburu National Reserve, Kenya. Directness can be somewhat intimidating, especially when it involves direct eye contact.Photo by
Richard A. Muller.Uses of indirectness abound. For example, consider the question, "How do you like my new haircut?" Even if we customarily lie, we all recognize the evasive reply, "Interesting..."
Here are just some of the uses of indirectness at work.
Deference to authority
Sometimes deference to authority is essential to survival within the organization, especially when conveying criticism. Indirectness can provide a means to surface important information. Yet, in extreme situations, even indirectness can be risky.
Mitigating the risk of offense
Conveying information to someone directly can risk offense, especially in the absence of a request for it. We can mitigate this risk by asking permission to make the offer, as in, "I have something on that, would you like to hear it?" Even then, some risk does remain. An indirect approach can be a less risky way to offer it. For instance, "If you want some background on that, let me know." We'd all benefit ifeveryone understood betterwhen to use indirectness
Deferring to those in pain
When emotions are raw, and people are hurting, direct approaches are often rejected — if they don't make things even worse. Sometimes it's best to wait for healing, but indirectness can provide a channel for urgent communications.
Maintaining deniability
Sometimes it's necessary to convey information covertly, especially when you work in a politically unsafe environment. Hinting, suggesting, and speaking to be overheard are sometimes used this way. Of course, the lack of safety is fundamental, and it must be addressed, but short-term needs sometimes intervene before you find the long-term solution. Using indirectness for this purpose can be a signal that it's time to either resolve the safety issue or move on.
Preserving or transferring of ownership
When the message recipient must take ownership of the information, delivering the message directly can be problematic. Directness can result in a loss of ownership, or it can interfere with transfer of ownership. Using an indirect approach, such as hinting or speaking to be overheard, leaves the way clear for the recipient to assume ownership.
Leaving space for creativity
Conveying a direct message to problem solvers can bias their process. It can limit their creativity and it can cause them not to examine possibilities that they otherwise would. Indirect suggestions can give them necessary guidance with significantly less risk of biasing or limiting their creative process.
To whatever degree your own culture values indirectness, be assured that in this age of global teams you'll someday encounter someone who considers you overly direct. Prepare for these situations, if you want to be considered polite.
When You Think Your Boss Is Incompetent
by
Rick BrennerAfter the boss commits even a few enormous blunders, some of us conclude that he or she is just incompetent. We begin to worry whether our careers are safe, whether the company is safe, or whether to start looking for another job. Beyond worrying, what else can we do?
et's say, hypothetically, that your latest project has just crashed in flames because your boss forgot to sign off on the extension for the 15 contractors who were staffing it, and they got reassigned. You can get them back in three weeks, but you'll never meet the deadline now. You've just about had it, and you've decided that your boss is totally incompetent.
Seafood stew. Photo courtesy
National Diabetes Education Program of the US National Institues of Health.Maybe. Maybe not.
All you really know is that your boss's performance has been pretty dismal. Incompetence is just one possible explanation. For instance, your boss might be distracted by problems at home — a sick parent or child, a death, a troubled marriage, substance abuse or identity theft, to name just a few possibilities.
As subordinates, we rarely have enough data to support any diagnosis of the causes of our bosses' poor performance. Without such data, attributing the cause of the problem to someone's character or lack of talent could be an example of a common mistake called the
Fundamental Attribution Error.
A more constructive approach focuses on dealing with the consequences of your boss's performance. Here are some insights and steps you can take that might make your life better despite the situation.
Worry is not a strategy
Some very popular but ineffective tactics include stewing about the situation, griping with co-workers, or carrying the problem home to those you love.
While these choices provide emotional support, they aren't likely to solve the problem. Search for something that can lead to a positive outcome.
Recognize that your organization tolerates substandard performance
Probably you've encountered substandard performance elsewhere in the organization, but it didn't bother you because you were less directly affected.
Since you'll probably bump into substandard performance again, transferring to some other part of the organization is a questionable strategy. As subordinates, we rarelyhave enough data to supportany diagnosis of the causes ofour bosses' poor performance
Fish or cut bait
If you're considering a move, make a decision. Move or don't move, but make a decision.
Sometimes decisions are difficult. Figure out how much time you need. Delaying beyond that is probably a symptom of avoidance rather than evidence of difficulty.
Embrace your choice
If you decide to leave, make leaving a priority. Conduct a disciplined job search, the way you would if you lost your job.
If you decide to stay, commit to staying. Formulate strategies and tactics for safeguarding your career and maintaining your happiness despite your boss's performance.
Plan for Reality
When you estimate effort and duration for task assignments, allow for your boss's performance. Scale back expectations of the capability you can deliver.
You can avoid frustration by anticipating trouble. To some this will feel like giving up, but it's just accepting Reality. Manage the risk.
Your boss's poor performance is your boss's problem. What it does to you is your problem. You'll probably do better if you work your own problem.
Presenting to Persuade
by
Rick BrennerSuccessful, persuasive presentations involve a whole lot more than PowerPoint skills. What does it take to present persuasively, with power?
he video ended, Ginny clicked the window closed, and swiveled her chair to face Sid and Mort. Sid was staring at the screen, in awe of what he'd just seen — a master at work. Mort was gazing out the window, in thought.
"Now that presentation worked," Ginny said, "and it wasn't much different from ours."
Sid was puzzled. "Let's watch it again," he said. "I can't figure this out."
Mort returned from wherever he'd been. "I remember a presentation training from awhile back," he said. "This guy we just watched was following the same pattern they taught us. You remember, Ginny, you were there, I think."
"Right...a four-step framework, wasn't it?"
Between the two of them, Mort and Ginny reconstructed the four-step framework for presenting to persuade. Here it is:
Start with their pain
Begin by connecting the audience with the parts of their pain that you can address. This motivates them. It gives you credibility, because it proves that you've been there, too.
For example, if you're talking to a group about designing presentations, you could remind them how hard it is to achieve connection and credibility, especially when the audience doesn't really know you. You're showing them that you share their pain, and you're reminding them of the problem, too. Too much emphasison features per seis a common mistake
Feature your features
Once you've identified their pain, talk about the features of your solution, describing how those features address their pain. For extra punch, show how other solutions that lack those features might not address the pain as effectively. In other words, show how the features of your solution are both necessary and sufficient.
Feature your features, but take care to connect each one to the pain. Too much emphasis on features per se is such a common mistake that it has a name: feature-mongering.
Brag about benefits
Bragging can be hard for some of us, but people do tend to discount whatever presenters say. If you don't emphasize strengths (pre-discount) then after the discount, most of the audience will have an inaccurate picture of the value of the solution.
The benefits of the solution are direct benefits from the audience's point of view — not yours. Lower maintenance cost for future versions is not a direct benefit, but faster introduction of new capability and faster repair of design problems are direct benefits.
To find the underlying benefit of any feature, repeatedly ask yourself "So What?" When the answer to this series of questions stops changing, that answer is the end-user benefit. See "
Deliver the Headline First," Point Lookout for May 3, 2006, for more.
Provide proof
Finally, give some proof that the benefits are attainable with your solution. Proof can be a demonstration, a survey, a prototype, measurements, customer endorsements, endorsements of authorities, whatever you think will work.
You'll attend many presentations over the next few months. Notice which ones have real impact, and notice which ones follow this framework. Does it work?
Top Ten Signs of a Blaming Culture
by
Rick BrennerThe quality of an organization's culture is the key to high performance. An organization with a blaming culture can't perform at a high level, because its people can't take reasonable risks. How can you tell whether you work in a blaming culture?
enore and Brad stepped through the revolving door and out into the sunshine of the plaza. Lenore had intended to wait until they got to the car, but nobody was around, so she took a risk. "Here's a tip, since you're new," she began. "It's just not safe to talk that way in these meetings."
Brad was listening. "I figured," he said. "Warner's reaching for his double-bladed axe was the tip-off."
"Uh-huh," Lenore agreed, "and you haven't even seen real trouble yet."
Lenore is educating Brad in survival strategies for the organization he has just joined. Hopefully, it isn't too late, but if he had known what to look for, he might have been a little more cautious. Here are ten attributes that suggest that your work culture might be a blaming culture.
Blame runs downhill in public, and uphill at the water-cooler
Lessons-learned panels rarely assign any responsibility to the owner of the panel or to any superiors. Blame almost always runs downhill. But water-cooler talk is the opposite — people grumble about management.
We rarely blame processes In a blaming culture,if something goes wrong,it's always the faultof some one person
Blame is rarely assigned to equipment, to a process or to a situation. If something went wrong, human error is the cause.
We usually blame an individual
Rarely do we assign blame to a group or to several people. One is enough to satisfy the beast.
We kill messengers
Bearers of bad news are especially at risk, because we have a pattern of
killing the messenger.
CYA is a standard business procedure
Since you can't be sure when you might need cover, it's only prudent to take every opportunity to cover your behind.
In response to catastrophe, we apply revised policy retroactively
When something bad happens, we convene a panel to write or revise policies and procedures. Then we apply them retroactively, and we blame violators.
We never revise policy in response to success
When something good happens, we feel that our policies and procedures are validated, so there's nothing to do.
We have designated winners
When good things happen, we usually assign credit to someone who's already an anointed winner. Heroes are rarely found in the trenches.
We blame people for breaking unwritten rules
Some policies and rules are written down only in obscure documents, if they're written at all. No matter. You can still be blamed for violating them.
People get sandbagged
Some people find out about a failure or policy violation for the very first time in their annual reviews. This is especially maddening when having withheld the information prevented the employee from righting a wrong, or from avoiding repetitions.
If you find yourself being blamed, remember that blame is almost always inappropriate. Blaming yourself then only adds to your trouble. Learning is a far better choice
The Unappreciative Boss
by
Rick BrennerDo you work for a boss who doesn't appreciate you? Do you feel ignored or excessively criticized? If you do, life can be a misery, if you make it so. Or you can work around it. It's up to you to choose.
rad appeared at Lauren's door. "Got a few minutes?" He didn't wait for her answer. He just closed the door behind himself and sat. Lauren wasn't surprised, because Brad hadn't been himself for days. She closed her laptop and rotated her chair to face him.
"You seem a little down...you OK?" she asked.
"Not really," he said. "I've had it with Warren." Warren was his boss. "No matter what you do, he isn't satisfied. When you tell him good news, if there's nothing obvious to criticize, he changes the subject[
*]. I'm done."
Lauren was sympathetic. "I know. He's a horror. What's happening with your transfer?"
Brad works for an unappreciative boss, and Lauren is reminding Brad of one of the truly useful tactics for this situation — moving on. Sometimes you can get out either by transferring, finding a new job, or waiting for your boss to move on.
But even if you can't move on, you can still change your own experience of the unappreciative boss. Here are five tactics you can use today. Even when you can'tmove on, you canstill change how youexperience yourboss's behavior
Recognize that the situation is unacceptable
Failing to appreciate excellent performance, or failing to recognize it publicly, is bad management. It's abusive and you deserve better.
Stop using it to make yourself feel bad
You are 100% in charge of your own feelings. Although you can't really know why your boss behaves this way, you can decide that you won't use the behavior to make yourself feel bad or angry.
Seek support
Everything is easier with support. Perhaps you have peers who feel the same way, and you can form a validation circle. Or you can ask for understanding from a friend or spouse.
Avoid the Fundamental Attribution Error
Humans tend to attribute others' motivation too much to character and inclination, and too little to context. For instance, your boss might be distracted by troubles outside of your awareness, and might lack the energy or attention to recognize your work. There might be dozens of scenarios like that. See "
The Fundamental Attribution Error," Point Lookout for May 5, 2004.
Understand that some things aren't about you
Your boss might not be trying to send you a message of unappreciation — something else might explain what's going on. Some bosses feel that by keeping the pressure up, they'll produce better performance. Some feel threatened by superior performance by subordinates. Some have designated a "star" subordinate, at least in their own minds, and have decided not to praise anyone else. Others have difficulty expressing appreciation, for reasons of personal history.
Most important, recognize that basing your self-esteem on what another person says to you is a risky strategy — it surrenders control and power to that person. To keep your own power, and to maintain your autonomy, listen to your inner voice. You are in charge of you.
When Your Boss Attacks Your Self-Esteem
by
Rick BrennerYour boss's comments about your work can make your day — or break it. When you experience a comment as negative or hurtful, you might become angry, defensive, withdrawn, or even shut down. When that happens, you're not at your best. What can you do if your boss seems intent on making every day a misery?
achel finally gave up trying to work. She stood and looked outside at the snow. Deciding it wasn't too bad yet, she put on her coat and headed for the elevator and outside. Just to walk. A little early for lunch, but nobody seemed to notice. She needed some alone time.
Out beyond the parking lot was part of an old canal, and the geese wintered there. "Maybe they'll be there," she thought. "I need to calm down."
Eric hired Rachel two years ago. In the past year, she's noticed that he "constantly belittles everything I do." She becomes emotional and tries to defend herself, but often overreacts. This time, she's done something different, something much more effective. She's seeking a place and a space where she can calm herself.
When we're calm, we can use other tools to help recover our self-esteem. Here are a few suggestions.
No one can actually belittle your work
The result of your work stands — it is what it is. People can say things about your work, but they can't change your work. They can't belittle your work with words.
Only you can belittle you
People can say things about you, but you remain who you are. People can't belittle you with words.
When you feel belittled, take responsibility People can say thingsabout your work,but they can'tchange your work
The feeling of belittlement is real, but what's being belittled is your own acceptance — your esteem — for your Self. Others do play a part — they supply the words you need to make yourself feel belittled. But you control your emotions, so you play a part, too. Your part is that you believe the words just enough to feel bad about yourself. That's good news, because if you control what you do, you can change it.
Remember those who love you
When the swirl of feeling bad begins, it's easy to fall into the pit. You can hold onto your self-esteem a little tighter if you remember the people — including yourself — who love you. Decide in advance to focus on some small object — a locket, or a ring, or your badge (if you wear a badge at work), or even your right pinky fingernail. Imagine that it carries all the love that the people in your life feel for you. When your boss gets going, connecting with that object can bring you back from the pit, and if you remember soon enough, it will keep you from falling in.
Whatever you hear from others, you remain the same wonderful, unique human being that you've always been. To the people who love you, you mean a lot — maybe everything — and they'll keep loving you, no matter what others say. You can do the same.
When Your Boss Asks You to Do Something Unethical
by
Rick BrennerWhen your boss asks you to look the other way, or to actively take part in unethical activity, you probably feel uncomfortable — with good reason. Can you find a way to live with yourself?
hat if your boss asks you — in complete confidence, naturally — to look the other way, or to actively take part in unethical activity? Not criminal exactly, but "gray" — problematic acts that are really tempting but which you know in your heart are wrong. Falsifying status reports, juggling expenses from one account to another, intentionally skewing estimates. How do you handle these situations?
We're all unique. There is no one right answer for every one of us, but usually there's at least one right answer for you, one that gives you peace. Keep three things in mind:
In for a penny, in for a pound
Once you've committed an ethical breach, anyone who knows about it can try to use it as a lever to manipulate you in the future. You're especially vulnerable if your boss is apprehended, because nothing then prevents your boss from revealing your involvement. It's easy to imagine situations in which your boss could actually benefit by doing so — maybe even claiming that you were the sole or initiating perpetrator.
Forever is a long time
Anyone who knows about what you've done might someday reveal it. If you behave unethically, you're betting that you'll be long gone before anyone reveals the truth. In most cases, that's a bad bet.
Who do you trust?
Don't expect ethical treatment in the future from anyone who asks you to behave unethically now. Don't trust your boss with your reputation, when you know that your boss is capable of ethical breaches.
Staying in connection with those who make us feel ethically uncomfortable is difficult. Here are four strategies. Once you'vecommittedan ethical breach,anyone whoknows about ithas a lever
Delay
Stall for as long as you can. You never know what might happen while you delay — you or your boss might be reassigned, or the whole company might be restructured, or maybe your boss will see the light. At the very least you can get a job search going.
Keep your head down
Avoid actually participating, while at the same time avoiding confrontation. If you confront, unless you have a very strong, collaborative relationship with your boss, you're history. You might as well resign.
Compromise
Work out another solution. Whatever was motivating your boss to take the shortcut might have an ethical alternative solution. Find one if you can, and get permission to try it, using the argument that "it might work, and it's cleaner if it does." In the meantime, implement the "Get Out" strategy.
Get out
You probably can't quit your job on the spot, even though you might want to. Find another job in another company, or transfer internally. These are difficult options, but consider the alternative — fear, anxiety, sleeplessness.
Once your boss crosses your ethical line, peace will be hard to find — until you find a new boss.
